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Being the Star Wars nerd that I am I found this quote very interesting recently.  It made me think, are we all just pawns in a world where our destinies are already decided for us?  If in fact God has a plan for each one of us, did he already decide how we would end up?

So here is the thing, I think we control what happens to us most of the time.  I have a plan, I’m following it and I just cannot control the factors that sometimes influence the next stage in that plan. Perhaps divine force helps mold and shape what will take place next but I just use the facts and make the best decisions possible using my instincts as a general guide.  Which leads me to instincts, we all have them but do we listen to them?

Your instincts change as you grow and become older, perhaps becoming learned responses. But there are still times in your life that you take a risk because of the instincts that are guiding you. I’ve taken many risks and jumped off several “cliffs” to satisfy my curiosity, solve a problem and open or shut a door. This time in my life is no different; I’m making some changes to resolve some matters that will now take me down a different life path.  As I walk down this path I’m starting to wonder, what is my destiny? I have goals but I don’t really know how this story ends and might not know until the end. What I do know is that we only have one life, I trust my instincts and I’m going to be has happy as I can be everyday for the rest of this journey.

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Patience what is it?  I’m a driven, thoughtful, and spirited individual, patience is not necessarily my friend. I’ve learned a lot of it over the last 15 years and continue to.  But I’ll be honest once I make my mind up about something I moving forward at an alarming rate of speed.  Patience isn’t really an option.

There is the problem.  It has taken me a few years to make some life altering decisions.  Now that I’m ready to move on I’m doing it extremely quickly.  The speed wouldn’t be an issue if I had been totally prepared, but I am not. I am emotionally but not financially.  So I’m completely stressing over things I have only a little control over at this particular moment.  Honestly, I can only fix what I can see and understand, the overwhelming over thinking and pressure I’m putting on myself I really don’t understand. Hey I got to this point, why am I killing myself to get to the finish line.  Nobody is holding a gun to my head, slow down. 

I played a few sports when I was young and used to show horses, both are very competitive in nature and I think this is where my pressure to succeed and arrive at the finish line quickly started. But now running is teaching me a lesson though, it’s about how fast you run but it’s also about the strategy of which you run.  I get that, so now I just need to apply this to my life.  It’s about the decisions you make, but also about the strategy you take to get to the final result. I just need to follow the plan and take a deep breath because I can’t speed up the clock and I can’t stop it.

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So a very good friend pointed out something to me tonight.  I've been married, living with a spouse and children for nearly 11 years.  Man, I hadn't realized this.  No I really didn’t. Well ya know time flies when you are having fun (cringing at the word fun).  I've been alone before, 11 years ago. I had my own place, a life, just for me and I LOVED IT.  Makes me wonder why I ever stopped; thank God I did long enough to have two amazing little kids.  But now, what do I do? 

I look forward to it!  I relish the thought to be totally honest. Hey when the kids are not with me…  I’m going to be like Bruno Mars and be lazy when I want to, go for a trail run when I want to, read uninterrupted when I want to, heck yeah! Yes I will go to work, just in case those of you were questioning my sanity.  But on those evenings and weekends, without my babies… those will be MINE. 

I’m going to have to line up some books, movies and nights out with my friends, and dig out those hobbies I put away.  Maybe I'll join something interesting, I just don’t know what yet.

It makes me wonder what the next pages of my life will be… can’t wait to turn the page and find out.

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This weekend I got a little crazy with the hair dye and did what any young 36 year old chick would do with an abundance of those miserable grays, colored them. It's amazing what a little hair dye can fix. I feel better, my grays are gone and it's a new change. So I took the slightly changed me out for the evening, where drinking and salsa dancing commenced, oh I'm still nursing some sore feet today. It was a great evening with great friends. I'm so lucky for the wonderful people in my life, family and friends.

If only there was hair dye for life.  A little box of Clairol and BAM your life is perfect, wouldn't that be great? Well we all know it doesn't work that way.  I'm not trading my life experiences for anything but hey a fix or a crystal ball here would be good.  Soon I'll have a place of my own and I'll settle in a bit, I won't feel as conflicted and life will become a bit less intrepid. I'm always hopeful, generous and caring.  It's who I am and always will be.  I'm always going to take a risk, fear the unknown and march forward anyway. But, it sure would be nice to have a little box full of life fixes to make it a bit easier, don’t you think?

Throughout these last few years or so I've wondered if I was living the best life possible.  It begs the question what is the best life?  Do we really know? So here are my humble conclusions: 

Regrets - We don't need them. I don't have them anymore because those experiences helped make me who I am today. 

Anger - Why? Anger means bitter and since I'm not a mean spirited individual it doesn't make sense for me. Does it for you? 

Fear - We all have it. I do, a good healthy dose. I just put one foot in front of the other every single day.  Move forward without looking behind too often.

Happiness - Everyone makes his or her own happiness.  Mine is different than yours in many ways but my kids and family are a big part of it.

Faith - It's not just your belief in God, but also your willingness to accept love and give love unconditionally.

So living the best life really isn't about material things, money or stature, it is really about living in the present. It's about what fulfills you. Enjoying the here and now, without looking too far ahead or behind.  I realized this a little while ago.  I'm very glad I did because I walk in the present every day now.

 

I am living MY best life.  Are you living YOURS?

 

 

Kinda fun and kinda annoying to be looking for a new place to call home. 

The good:

 - It's mine I make the rules, I choose what enters and leaves. 

 - My own decor. I don't have to mingle my stuff with anyone elses (I can't wait)

 - I can leave an unwashed dish in the sink and no one will complain but me.

 - Putting everything in it's place

 - Making it home

 

 The bad:

 - Packing and moving, ewww

 - Finding a place in general, it's a lot of calls and looking. 

 - Setting up all the things that go with it, cable, utilites etc.

 

Ok, so maybe the good out weigh the bad here. Perhaps it's happy hunting afterall? :)

So it’s out.  I’m not shouting it from the highest tower but after 3 years of trying to “fix” the anger, resentment and fear, my 10 year marriage is coming to an end.  If someone had told me 10 years ago this is how it would be I would have run screaming.  I didn’t run though, I took a risk.  Like we all do.  I have two beautiful children and experiences that I will never forget because of it. So when other people find out about the divorce it’s amazing the responses I get.  Most are loving, caring “I’m so sorry” and “it will be ok” which is so kind, but the response that upsets me just a bit is….  “I would be devastated, are you crushed?”  Um, to answer that statement, NO.  I get it from their perspective, really I do but this was a mutual decision not a bitter result.

It’s not to say I like failing at things and technically that is what this feels like.  I really don’t enjoy failing myself and failing my kids, family and friends.  But who wants to be unhappy all the time?  I don’t.  I hear all the stories, “we stayed together for the kids”.  You gotta be kidding me right?  Now how does that make sense?  Look people, the kids know.  They are not as ambivalent as we would like to think. I would rather they see their mom and dad happy and alone than miserable and together.  What kind of example would I be to them? Not a good one.

So nope, not crushed.  Disappointed, certainly.  Hopeful, definitely.  But the way I see it, it’s a new beginning. Hard to be jaded when you are happy and hopeful right?

So if you see me and you wonder how I’m doing…  I’m doing great. I’m working through it.  I’m moving on, because I’m happy.  Please be happy for me. 

Thanks,

Kel.

It's been a long time coming. I didn't plan for this; it wasn't the fairy tale I thought it would be.  When you are a little girl the story never ends with a divorce and it's just not how I was brought up. So I felt like initially I had failed.  Maybe it was MY fault or perhaps HIS fault but now I know it's really a combination of many things and life isn't always as simple as we would like it to be. That was nearly a year ago, the start of a change for me. I'm better. I'm better for knowing who I am and standing in my life unwavering.

Now I live every day out loud, appreciate the time with my kids, my loving family and wonderful friends.  I'm not sad, angry or hurt just happy. So if you read this… don't feel sorry for me, I don't want your pity either. I'm happy. It's how I'm choosing to live my life, optimistic, hopeful, and blessed. 

Go live your life, set your heart free and don't have any regrets because we only get one life, one time on this earth, make it great every single day. 

 

At one point or another we have all given money to a charity we deemed worthwhile.  The question is where does the money go? After the Haiti disaster many major charity organizations took center stage in asking for contributions to help the trauma stricken country.  So many of us gave to the charities to bring fresh water, clothing and medical aid to the Haitian people. The question is how much of your contributions made it to the cause due to overhead and administrative expenses of the organization? In contrast most micro charities have a reputation of being able to give 100% of their donations to the cause directly.  They tend to be more local based and not have the administrative expenses like the larger, well known organizations.

Let’s take a moment to get real.  Most large charity organizations still have overhead; it costs money to make money.  They have the cost of advertising, printing letters, mailing and even administration salaries. While most charities try hard to keep those costs low most times about 50% of your money actually goes to the cause. In some cases, charities are completely mismanaged or the money doesn’t ever make it to the people or cause due to foreign corruption. I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t give to your favorite charities or causes. These organizations are in place for many good reasons like the Red Cross or the United Way for example, they really do help millions of people.

On the other hand an online organization like SmallCanBeBig.org doesn’t have high paid CEOs or tons of administrative costs. Whatever amount of donations they receive is the same amount actually given to the cause.  Their mission is “You can help more directly, more personally, more locally, more shared” They are right, when the donation feels more personal and the immediate need is fulfilled we all feel better about giving. SmallCanBeBig.org was launched in 2009 by Boathouse Group, Inc. to help address a developing homeless crisis in Massachusetts.” (Via SmallCanBeBig.org) *You can follow them on Twitter via @SmallCanBeBig.

There are several smaller not for profit charities in your community. Check your church for food pantries and perhaps “adopt” a local family for direct from donor contributions. 

So the next time you may be thinking about making a donation or looking for a way to help someone less fortunate consider a micro charity.  There are probably many in your community who would appreciate your generosity.

As I was sitting out on my back porch enjoying watching my kids play and noticing the trees were turning color, I realized it has been a long summer.  See, about eight months ago I lost my job like so many other people. I have been applying and networking, interviewing. Nothing has turned out yet but that doesn't mean I'm losing hope.  You see I'm not a quitter and I don't want my kids to think I'm a quitter either.